saturday morning

saturday morning i woke up before my alarm-just laying in bend, thinking. and i don't know what triggered it, but i could almost imagine exactly what a certain place smells like, and a flood of memories would come in. thinking back to last spring break-the smell of the bahamas: suntan lotion, heat, dusty air from fans, the cool breeze by the ocean, sand, waves, the beauty of a million stars on a clear night, the hot bus, it is amazing the power of the senses-to recall, retain, and keep packed on a dusty shelf until an oppurtune time.

if i try hard, i can remember the smells of the dominican republic, of the country of turkey, of hungary and romania. the love that i have for cultures and the impact of those different countries stays with me...images from the past colliding...a mosque, a woman playing the violin on a street corner, cobblestones, turkish rug shops, banana trees, fresh squeezed grapefruit juice, bahamian children jumping into the warm ocean water, an orphanage, flights, sunshine, the call to prayer, castles, mountains, forests, prayer beads, beautiful cathedrals, homes made of tin, and to know that He is the Guider of nations, the Lord of all the nations, and one day every knee will bow!

psalm 67

back to the vineyards

every time i come home i try to take a walk in the vineyards that surround the house. i remember before leaving for college for the first time i rode my horse in the midst of those rolling vines. and i remember thinking

the next time i return to this place
i will not be the same

there was such an air of expectancy
of anticipation
of excitement knowing that running hard after God yields rich beauty and that i could not remain the same

the past few years when i have gone back to reflect on His faithfulness
goodness
wisdom
and steadfast love,
i am amazed at where he has brought me-and those vines are a reminder of remaining in Him and trusting Him

over this past Christmas i was able to take several walks through those fields
the weather was beautiful-and standing in the midst of that open space
overwhelmed at who this God is
thinking about the vinedresser-how He trims and cuts off to make us more effective
stronger
and more able to display His glory

though the rows are currently bare from cold weather-the harvest has long since gone
the gnarly vines laugh under the seeminlgly dismal cover
because they know-sometimes better than i,
that in a few months beautiful green buds will begin to sprout
and pretty soon there will be a blanket of green and purple covering the landscape
and a harvest will be brought in
sweet
rich
beautiful

will i remain the same?

i hope that i never leave that place unmoved
or return to it unchanged

Aslan

written by kendall payne

Don’t stop your crying on my account
A frightening lion, no doubt
He’s not safe no, he’s not safe
Are you tempted now to run away?
The King above all kings is coming down

But he won’t say the words you wish that he would
Oh he don’t do the deeds you know that he could
He won’t think the thoughts you think that he should
But He is good, He is good.

I know you’re thirsty the water is free
But I should warn you- it’ costs everything
Well, he’s not fair no, he’s not fair
When he fixes what’s beyond repair
And graces everyone that don’t deserve

No-one knows him whom eyes never seen
No, I don’t know him but he knows me
He knows me. He knows me.

Lay down your layers, shed off your skin
But without his incision you can’t enter in
He cuts deep, yeah he cuts deep
When the risk is great and the talk is cheap
But never leaves a wounded one behind

covered

skating under the lights of the city on cool ice

laying on my back in the middle of the rink and despite the light from chicago
seeing stars straight above

tilting my head back so that i can see the skyline upside down behind me

smoke billowing out of a nearby building
wisping into the black night, disappearing into nothingness

the crunch of snow

beautiful


this morning
sitting in my room as i look out over the white covered land
reflecting on my failings
weaknesses
selfishness
pride

and despite that which distracts
or tries to stifle
and kill

to always see His marvelous grace
covering me as the snow covers the ground

...but not so temporary

my sandals are still stiff

sometimes it seems as though things are being put together

"t's" are being crossed
and an abstract idea suddenly becomes tangible
and that thing that we have been longing for
is suddenly right in front of us

and that is when the fear begins to rise

my knees begin to shake


because it was so much easier to talk about this

dream about this

pray about this

and when it seems as though something could become reality
i want to shrink back
don't want to get hurt

don't want it to fail



don't want myself to fail

and yet when we look to the ONE whose plan and purpose is unfathomable
i begin to decrease
my issues, reservations,

and on the other side my dreams and ambitions

to let all of those go
and to tie on my still stiff sandals

and break them in by following Him

fall

walking down the street
crisp, cool, fall day
pulling my jacket a little tighter around me to keep out wisps of fall air
breathing in deep
leaves changing from green to vibrant yellow
cushioning the cold sidewalk as they fall down
circling in the air as cars drive by
as i walk by

clearing my mind
stilling my heart
trusting in His promises

and yes, this is but a season
one that signifies pain

death

the coming of winter

but beauty lurks behind this facade
indeed, a beauty that goes into the very depths of the earth
and into the quiet plainness of those slowly emptying branches
as the process begins, bright colors invade the landscape

then turn to brown, falling to the earth
dry,
broken
crushed by any passerby

but rather than allow this fact to push to despair
i see behind this facade of finality
and i know that in those branches lurks a laughter
a joy

that this is not the end,
but merely a beginning
a time to reflect
to hold fast
and to prepare for the LIFE that is still there

just sleeping...
waiting...
trusting...
hoping... certainly. surely. confidently.

yesterday i went with some friends who were working on a project for class. they had to interview a diverse group of people on the street, and ask them questions relating to thier views of God, Jesus, the Church...
i brought along my video camera and tried to capture what it was that people are thinking...
the questions made many uncomfortable-one woman agreed to answer the questions, then when we asked "what is your view of God?" she simply stated "i don't want to talk about that" and brushed past us.
some stated the sunday school answer of who Jesus is
some rejected any notion of Him being more than a mere man
some seemed as though they were pondering... views with a mix of scripture, eastern religions,
monastic buddhism...
some had appeared to have never thought about any of this before

and i am challenged...challenged because this amazing place i live in is surrounded by people who have no idea who Jesus Christ truely is
i am made more aware of the diminishing of the notion of Truth
i am burdened and excited about the responsibility of proclaiming that Truth
and utterly dependent on Him to work out His purposes to advance His kingdom of which i have the privelage to play a part...

acts 4
the priests, captain of the temple, sadducees...they realize that this "Jesus thing" hasn't blown over as they had hoped. crucifying a man should have taken care of that, right? now, greatly annoyed that Jesus is still being proclaimed as rising from the dead, and also that a lame man has been undeniably healed, they arrest peter and john...5,000 people believe. the two apostles are questioned "by what power did you do this?"
peter and john are RELENTLESS in thier proclamation of Truth. peter speaks up, the one who had once denied Christ near the same ground, filled with the Holy Spirit, proclaims that the man was healed by the name of JESUS CHRIST...

talk about boldness

that which the rulers had tried to stifle
is spreading like wildfire/out of control
peter continutes.."there is salvation in NO ONE ELSE"
the rulers saw thier boldness, and were astonished that these common, uneducated men were speaking with such boldness, clarity, authority...

they recognized that the apostles had been with Jesus...and commanded them to not speak this to anyone
thier response?

WE CANNOT HELP BUT SPEAK OF WHAT WE HAVE SEEN AND HEARD.

2:44 am

it is early, early in the morning...and i am still awake
and expect to be for the next hour or so
why? you may ask...
well...i am working on a project
up in an editing suite
and i'm in the "zone"
so rather than go to bed and finish it later
i have decided to pretty much get it done tonight
i'm pretty excited about it
but am not making much rational sense
so hopefully it will turn out
no one really ever reads my blog...so i can write at 2 in the morning
and not very many will read
i haven't had contact with another human being in a few hours...
thank you krystle, hannah, and bethany for keeping me company for a little bit
tomorrow i told my floor i would make pancakes..
i don't have any pancake mix

maybe i can get some in the morning...
i turned 21 yesterday (actually-now that it is the 2nd, 2 days ago)
i didn't feel older yesterday
but i feel older today

the reason i am writing in my blog is because i am waiting for my files to render..
basically another copy of the file is made and filed away somewhere on my computer...
so..i have about 23 minutes left before i can do anything else
i'm getting kind of sleepy

i don't even know if i will actually post this, or if i am just bored...should have brought some homework.

maybe i can figure out how to compress my project when i'm done and then post it on this blog so people can see it...
that would be pretty cool....
you can check out some cool projects that moody students have done on archtvonline.com
i don't have anything up there yet, but i hopefully will this semester
i am taking a video editing class and single camera production
yay...
i am also taking systematic theology II which i love
and oral interpretation
and trying to finish my philosophy course (never do an independent study unless you are very self-motivated) before november...

17 minutes...
hmmm
i probably should have waited to do this a different day. i would call someone, but no one is awake...
it is a little creepy up here in this building...cause no one else is here...but i have a cell phone...
thankfully we have a long week-end..so i plan on sleeping tomorrow, getting ahead on homework...
some friends are taking me out for my birthday
pretty excited
16 minutes
if you are actually reading this entire blog...you should post a comment
who knows...
maybe you are editing a video project as well
waiting for it to render
Note to self:
(so this doesn't happen again...and by "this" i mean being alone in an empty building at 3 am waiting for your project to render..with nothing to do)

always bring a friend
always bring food
bring a pillow just in case you get tired
bring homework or reading or something
bring a sweatshirt or blanket (it is a little chilly)
coffee is also a good thing
set limits on amount of time in editing suite...there are no windows...if it weren't for the clock on the computer monitor, i could have been here for days and not even known...

2 minutes...nope, just kidding...it said 2 minutes and then went back up to 3 minutes
my stomach is growling

maybe i should have eaten that brownie bethany brought me
to late now...krsytle...

i went with some friends to my fav coffee shop earlier to work on brainstorming for a different video project...it was quite fun

this is sad when typing on a blog can be one's source of companionship
i really feel better.

still 3 minutes...the longest 3 minutes EVER
3 minutes later...still 3 minutes...

well-i don't have anything important to say...sorry for the shallow/rambling post

good morning

a street i drove down almost every day...63rd and King Dr.

home sweet home

it is amazing how something that was once so intimidating
overwhelming
BIG
has become something
comforting
home
small

a beautiful city

driving here a few weeks ago (wow, has it been that long already?)
i could barely contain my excitement in returning back to this place
this school
these people

looking back over the past several years
i am amazed
how HE has brought me from fear to faith
to take a leap, jump into something seemingly impossible for where i was

and yet HE has brought me to a place where what was seemingly impossible
is the only thing possible

i amazed that HE can take such brokenness
such insecurity
such fear
and make something beautiful

what once dwelled in dark despair
bondage
a prison cell
has been redeemed
into the bright rays of the morning sun

to be able to share in this great story
is a joy and thrill that i hope i never loose sight of
as i stand on the bright light of day
exposed
my selfishness
my pride

still loved...

i hope i will
have to walk barefoot because of my worn out shoes
i hope i will wear no coat because i have given away two
that both sides of my face will bear scars of abuse
that i will have washed the feet of the wealthy, the poor, and everyone inbetween
that my hands will be calloused, my fingernails dirty, my muscles sore
my heart full of perfect Love
a strength from above
that my first thought would be for others, and not myself

brokenness

that my life would be spent on that which is worthy

that i would continue to go wherever HE says
no matter what
no matter when
no matter how

no matter the impossibilities...

another chapter finished

today was my last day of the internship/job. this last week was a whirlwind of basketballs, NBA, kids, and a gym that was 120 degrees... and still the kids came...i sat down and did registration in the somewhat air conditioned first floor.
no serious injuries
building relationships within the community
a chance to do something for the second time, and still surprised that i, mary, who has never played basketball, really cared about basketball, and had never heard of the NBA people at the camp, i was helping coordinate this thing for the second time-

one of the biggest requirements of following Christ is

a willingness to do anything.

now that the summer is drawing to a close, i am trying to collect my thoughts, process, refresh, and start going into ra mode...
i'm not gonna lie
i'm tired
i'm leaving chicago tomorrow
to go to michigan
to pack my stuff
and then am returning to moody the next day.
to unpack
get prepared for the fall,
and hopefully catch up on some sleep-and to spend some time in silence-just being with my Creator. i'm also producing a movie, and that needs to start taking shape as well.

in the midst of everything it is so easy to loose sight of that which is the purpose for being in the midst of everything. (does that make sense?)

what does it mean to surrender?
to serve
to give up my rights
my hopes
my dreams
my expectations
to follow
a reckless abandon
and to realize that those hopes,
dreams,
expectations
where not the point
but were meant to draw me closer to my Creator
to be used by me in an act of worship

i have approached this the wrong way so much
i have desired my self over God's glory
but i want Him to be my motivation

and as i surrender to His leading
fulfilled even in the midst of trial, pain, and joy
to know that i am realizing my purpose
as i fall more and more into a love and knowledge of my Savior

i have been in chicago the past two weeks, the first week preparing to co-lead an internship program, the second week actually doing it
and i have been humbled
i have been challenged
encouraged,
and i feel like i am learning so much

God is healing me in ways i didn't know needed healing
He is teaching me things i didn't think i needed to know (or never thought about)
He is so good

working at kids' club in cabrini
markers, poster board...the Jesus family reunion for sidewalk sunday school
marker stains on my hands
prayer
opening the gates of our house in Englewood
30 kids showing up, playing ball, swinging, braiding my hair
double-dutch
watching movies on two mattresses that have become our couch
sleeping on the floor
construction work/demolition work at the new Sunshine building on 61st Street
Lawndale
guitar
early mornings
late nights
naps
getting lost in milwaukee
again
and again
and again
and passing our exit for the 3rd time
mario bros super nintendo
dinners
sore muscles
registrations for sport's camps
time in the word (the gospel of John is AMAZING)
falling more in love with my Savior

the toilet keeps leaking...

it is 2am and i am still awake.
don't get me wrong.
i would love to be asleep
but dad and i are in the process of putting in a new toilet
how then, do you ask, am i typing on my blog?
because i am the designated water turner onner, shutter offer
yup
and because it is 2am and others are sleeping
there can be no yelling
so that means this is what happnes:
dad tells me to turn the water on
i run down from the second floor
through the living room, dining room, and kitchen
down the basement stairs
around the corner
and turn on the water valve
i then run up the basement stairs
through the kitchen, dinign room, and living room
up the stairs to the second floor
and see if i need to run back down and turn the water off (dad is usually found holding towel and buckets underneath leak, so i have to run back down to turn the water off so the whole room is not flooded...)
now, i have done this probably 7 or 8 times by now
and because it is 2am my coordination is a little off
so it is becoming a little more challenging
i never thought putting a toilet in would be so difficult

it all started when my brother and i decided to redo the bathroom
and the toilet kept leaking
and then i was dowstairs earlier today
and heard water running upstairs...
but no one was upstairs
so i ran up and the holdind tank had randomly cracked adn water was going everywhere

that is why i am up at 2am "helping" install a new toilet.

on a deeper level...
i am currently reading a book by edward welch called, "when people are big and God is small"
it is major convicting to me, and i am being challenged by it so much...

if there are typos...disregard
its 2:20am

rest

i crave rest
yet, it seems so unattainable sometimes
here i am, near the end of the semester-only a few more projects to go
yet i do not look forward to when they are done
simply because when they are done
there is still so much more to do
my summer is full of
reading books
preparing for several leadership positions
all of which i feel the inadequacy of
all of which i am excited about
all of which seem overwhelming at the moment

so often i long for the moment when the "stressful" or "busy" part of life will be over
there is the false assumption of this rest
...when the semester is over
...when summer is over
...when i graduate
...if i can only accomplish this
...get this job to pay for school

then things will settle down.

however, i don't think life on this earth is supposed to be like that
where everything we have is to lead to a point where we can be comfortable
where life is easy
and everyone's happy

no, i think that the ground upon which i walk will be pounded down hard
the soles of my shoes will be tattered
i will look down at my faded jeans
my hands will be calloused and scarred

i hope that i will be empty of myself
that every drop of water
in the bucket i have been given
will be gone

i hope i will realize that rest had been found
though i am sure that this rest will not be found in my circumstances
a deeper rest
a rest that is from Above

and i think i will realize that the goal of this life was not a certain outcome...

it was the journey

a night in grant park

i didn't plan on going...a ten page paper and an eight page paper-both due monday. i am still getting over being sick...but last minute i decided to go
just for a little while
and ended up staying all night

it was the global night commute to raise awareness for the children in northern uganda who must commute into the cities every night for fear of abduction
the purpose of thier abduction: to fight in the Lord's Rebel Army

some stats

1.7 million displaced
20-50,000 children abducted
some as young as five
some told to kill thier families
all told not to cry or show emotion

it rained all night, and the little tarp that we had over our heads didn't do much to keep the rain out
we stayed up all night talking, hanging out with others who were there...almost 2,000 of us
prayed together
cheered together
and all of us wrote letters
to the president
to the state senators
and tomorrow-monday morning-all of those letter will be sent out
we are asking that northern uganda get humanitarian aid
we are asking that there are steps taken to end the war

worldwide there were over 50,000 people participating

one of the children was in chicago with us-a child from across the ocean who i'm sure was overwhelmed and amazed to see so many people coming together
he has had to commute-in fear for his life

we were soaked to the bone by morning, and it was rather cold
to end we had a group picture taken, and a crane was used for the video camera. we held signs that will later be used in the finished documentary...

www.invisiblechildren.com

where will you be tonight?

global night commute

in whatever circumstance

i went to starbucks tonight
working on a exegetical paper on a few verses in philippians
drinking my nice hot tea
wearing my nice comfy hoody
adding honey to my tea
laughing with friends

walking back to school
stopping at walgreens to buy chocolate

we walked through a park on the way back to school...how quickly what i have immersed myself in only moments before vanishes from my mind.

philippians 4
"being content in whatever circumstances"
i walk through the park
i am content
i have so much
more than i ever needed
i walk through the park and see
a
man sleeping on a bench
no blanket
just an old coat
worn jeans

i laugh with my friends
eating the chocolate covered almonds and caramels we have just bought
we stand and talk only a few feet away from the man

i glance over at the man on the bench
he is asleep
arms crossed to hold the warmth in
alone on the bench
alone in the park

i take a bag of chocolate covered peanuts over to the man
he doesn't stir
his breathing is heavy, consistent...
his shoes are neatly placed under the bench
clean, polished shoes
i set the bag of peanuts down by his shoes
as i reach down i am closer to him
and i feel as though in that moment i have tried to grasp what it means to love your neighbor
and this half-eaten bag of peanuts is my feeble attempt at something that i don't truely understand

i almost want him to wake up
to share so much more with him than a walgreens brand bag of candy
but i dread him awakening as well
because i would have to explain myself
it is easier to have less interaction
easier...but less rich
less deep

he continues to sleep
i pause as i leave, unsure if what i have just done is absurd or good or not likely to make a difference.
my friends and i walk back to school

i don't give the man on the bench a second thought
until now
i am the only one awake in my room
with heat in the dorm, my computer, a fridge of food
my comfy hoody
my warm bed

and tomorrow when i wake up
i will write a paper
on being content in whatever circumstances
"for i have learned in whatever situation i am to be content. i know how to be brought low, and i know how to abound. in any and every circumstance, i have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. i can do all things through him who strenghtens me..."

tomorrow i will write a paper...i will do word studies

and try to understand what it means to be content.

in whatever circumstance.

my favorite place in chicago

i have a new favorite study place that is not often frequented by "moodys"
it is unique, small, easy to pass on the street
french algerian combination
food
coffee
mediterranean
cilantro
tomatoes
basil
avocado
olive oil
crepes
tea
algerian rugs on the wall
pictures of france, the eiffel tower
grungy-but not in a bad way
earthy
inexpensive
decorative
reds, browns

betcha want to know where it is, don't you? i'll try to keep it little frequented by moody's, but if you ask, i just might tell you...

doors closing

i walk down chicago
get on the red line to go south...
sitting on the "el" across from a man
he looks tired
he looks hungry
he nods in and out, his head moving with the swaying of the train
i can't help looking at him, his baggy grungy clothes
but there is something more
i feel compassion
but i don't know how to do anything
say anything
as if i would break that sacred silence on the train
that silence that cries out to be broken
more and more people crowd in at each stop
but the only voice is that of the sound system
"thank you for riding the cta. doors closing"

the man is holding tightly to a plastic bag
he opens his eyes and i get a closer glimpse
bloodshot eyes
tired eyes
hopeless eyes
i avert my gaze, staring at the ad above him as if it is the most interesting thing i have read all day
each stop rotates people in
more get on the already crowded car
a few get off
and i sit in my seat
staring complacently above everyone's gaze
looking down at everyone's feet
and i feel the pressure of the silence
as i breath that same polluted air
and walk on those same polluted streets

...but i have hope

and yet i hold it so closely
so possessively
as if i had earned it
found it
or deserved it

i get up from my seat as the "el" arrives at my stop

"...doors closing"
that mechanical voice follows me as i walk past a car full of people