israel...the "long condensed unfinished, more to come later" verision

how do i describe that which was beautiful, fear inducing, oppressive, and enticing all at the same time?
i awake in the morning with a burden on my heart...praying for the peace of that place...yes an external peace, but even more so-one that is found within.

the trip was so much more than a study tour...but how do i describe something to you that pierced the very core of my being? i feel as though a piece of me was taken and now resides there...and i don't think i will be able to shake this feeling.

walking down jerusalem streets
incense
dreadlocks
side-curls
falafel
wailing wall
call to prayer
head scarves
prayers of the faithful and the mistaken
tension
idolotrous religiosity
gold painted relics
longing for peace
hungry for Truth
empty
searching
crying
bitter
angry
skeptical because of history
tradition without reason
mountains
desert
salt sea
galilee
wilderness

journal excerpts:
i am sitting by the sea of galilee. i am surrounded by water and mountains. it is amazing to be in this place. this place would have been beautiful either way, but the significance of this place-how it was so central to Jesus' ministry...so many times Jesus and his disciples crossed over this sea. so many times Jesus showed his power and authority at this sea. the disciples driven by fear. Jesus, constantly pointing them to faith. the storms. calming the sea, walking on water, feeding the crowds with loaves and fish. i so often wonder how the disciples could still doubt after all they had seen. how crippling that doubt was. Jesus, in patience and compassion, showing them, reminding them.

this is the first place where they were really filled with great fear and awe. they began to recognize him as more than just a man who would do great things.

yet...i myself am full of doubt and selfish fear. despite what i have seen Him do in my life. i am the same as the disciples. i don't have much faith. i am skeptical. oh, Jesus, help my unbelief. You have done so much more than walk on water. carry me, because i am weak. i forget Your great power...the power of the Gospel.

Jerusalem: the center of the world...of so much conflict, tension, significance.

driving through this city. tons of people. the ultra orthadox, the average, hasidic sects...eavesdropping on bar-mitzvah plans of a family at the museum today, the call to prayer sounding over mosques, synagogues, and tourist traps. learning the history of the jewish people. seeing the fulfillments of prophecy as they return to this land.

this city, where blood and sweat, the great conversations and speeches, one of the most talked about places, tonight i walked down the streets eating mint ice cream, bartering with shop owners, drinking in the culture of a thousand cultures and of one foundational tradition.

western wall: i am at the western wall. millions of paper shoved into cracks on the wall. the wailing wall has been the point of so much contention. women kissing rock. as they sway, adding more force to their prayers, trying to be near the holy place. they wait for messiah. the long for peace...i hear the call to prayer in the distance. on the walk here, and even now i smell incense, as i walk on this jerusalem stone, walked on by so many people, trickling with blood of so many battles, the fear of so many things, of suicide bombs, of terrorists, a people returned to their land, but blind to their messiah. as weeds and roots grow out of the cracks of the dry western wall..God, please breath life back to this land...

substance

i cling to that which is dead.

my roots are not tied to rich earth
but to sun-bleached sand.

i cling to myself.
to my world.
to my expressions and fears.
i don't need HIM enough.

i try to find meaning in nothingness.
value in surface.
energy wasted.

rain falls
sand is washed away as quickly as the coming of the tide

i cling to emptiness.
i thought i was holding on to substance

deceived.

but now i am stripped of all
wallowing in the mud

and it usually takes spit and mud
before sight is restored

...YOU never stop holding me