it seems so...severed
such a huge part of my life
memories, oh sweet memories
that now lie dormant
as if they are unsure of what to do
whether to sleep
whether to rise
whether to simply fade away

it seems so...surreal
that such a good thing
true beauty
would almost seem to be cut
never to be repaired?

and it seems as though i only stand here
helpless
watching something that is truely beautiful
grow small in the distance
i look back-try to retrace my steps
pull myself back to that familliar shore
but the waves are pulling me steadily away

will it do any good to fight?
in the midst of darkness
there is so much light
in the midst of frailty
so much strength
and in the midst of imperfection
there is so much hope, and joy, and beauty

and in the midst of fear there is love

i refuse to allow darkness to swallow up joy
i refuse to allow fear to push me out to sea
i refust to simply let it be as it is-to forget His faithfullness
His goodness
His sacrifice

because i am in a battle
i shall fight for hope
not because it needs defending

but because hope will not dissapoint

snow, beauty, and drudgery

i turned in my final paper for my final class today! next week is finals and the end of another semester

unbelievable...

after class i rushed off to catch the red line to babysit
when i left there was a little snow on the ground
on my way back to school, only a few hours later, 5 inches and still falling

beautiful...

the city takes on a different look in the wintertime
and the first snow always makes everything seem clean
the edges of light are softened by the falling snow

i guess there is usually a good side to something and a bad side to something
but as of

right now...

my attitude is light and i am enjoying this change in scenery outside my window
and if you are lucky enough to be outside in the first snow, you are able to avoid what comes

as time goes on...

when the snow turns to slush, mixed with the grease and grime from sidewalks and streets

car horns honking as traffic is backed up for blocks

and drudging through the snow is less than enjoyable

i am reminded of something oswald chambers says (on drudgery):

"we are not meant to be seen as God's perfect, bright-shining examples, but to be seen as the everyday essence of ordinary life exhibiting the miracle of His grace. Drudgery is the test of genuine character. the greatest hinderance in our spiritual life is that we will only look for big things to do. yet, "Jesus...took a towel and...began to wash his disciples feet...' we say we do not expect God to take us to heaven on flowery beds of ease, and yet we act as if we do! i must realize that my obedience even in the smallest detail of life hall all the omnipotent power of the grace of God behind it."

random events...

courtney came to visit, and we had a great time, though both of us were weak from recovering over the 12 hour flu.

my week in a few snapshots:
going to jewel in the rain...finding breyer's ice cream on sale
buying two half-gallons
almost passing out in my media class-leaving early
skipping my theology class
sleeping
debbie(roomie) getting sick with 12-hour flu
96th floor of the john hancock building
shedd aquarium
field museum
art institute
corner bakery
little sleep
worship in chapel
helping with science at sunzone
taking courtney to train station
cold, windy
gloves, scarves, hats, layers

realizing i have yet another paper due...forgot about that one

meeting with a guy i don't know who wants me to sing on his music album
a 1 minute audition singing amazing grace outside of the commons (we'll be recording sometime in the next few weeks...so random)

how amazing to be in this city, at this school-may i never take it for granted

follow me

Matt 9:9
"as Jesus passed on from there, he saw a man called Matthew sitting at the tax booth, and he said to him, 'follow me' and he rose and followed him."

i am struck by the simplicity of this verse. i am struck by the simplicity of this call.
"follow me"
and he rose and followed him.

sometimes i think i make God's call for my life one of pomp and brilliance-which if looked at deep down is motivated by selfishness, the desire to be recognized, to have a good story to tell...yet, the call of God is simple...profoundly simple

follow me

and it is said by one who wears sandles caked with the judean desert, who was born in a stable, from a small town-there was no pomp or brilliance in his call-his life was one of sacrifice

follow me

it is simple, and yet i make it so complex. i worry. follow him to where? what if he really means me to stay where i am? how will i know what to do?

simply...follow me

Matthew didn't really analyze every alternative. instead, he rose and followed him.
that's it
no writing in the clouds or music playing in the background
he rose and followed him.

when will i learn to leave behind my old lifestyle-thought processes, comfort, and like Matthew, listen to my Master's voice?