"fear not" continued

when we fear, we live in bondage...
this photo is one in my final portfolio

Fear Not

it all started with me and two friends sitting in the lobby of the grand lux, waiting for our "party of 25" to arrive. while we waited, i read in my best scottish accent the first few chapters of the book of jeremiah. seems like a strange place to read about God disciplining Israel and the nations that oppress them, i know. [just to give you some context, my friends have to read through the entire old testament this semester, so we were getting through some chapters while we waited...not sure why i read it to them in a scottish accent...]

there is something about reading scripture out loud that makes you hear it, process it, and want to know more. the book of jeremiah would have never been my next choice to read (i just finished 1 and 2 peter), but after reading those few chapters that night, i decided that i would go there next.

Jeremiah 39-44
the context [yes, i go to mbi]
jerusalem has just fallen to the babylonians. this is something that God has been warning the people of judah about for the last few chapters. the people are taken into exile. the captain of the guard allows the poor people who own nothing to stay in the land of judah, and gives them vineyards and fields. [there is a theme throughout scripture that when israel stays in the land God promises-they are blessed, when they leave the land-often because of God's discipline-blessing leaves as well]


the conflict
jeremiah stays in judah with this remnant. the leaders of this remnant tell jeremiah that they will do whatever the Lord tells them to do. they promise to obey the Lord, no matter what.
jeremiah tells the remnant that God wants them to remain in the land. they are not to go to egypt. the Lord says that if they remain in the land, he will build them up and bless them.

the people don't want to hear it. they tell jeremiah he is lieing. they are still in

FEAR

of the babylonians. they think they will be handed over to them.

THEY DON'T OBEY BECAUSE THEY FEAR MAN MORE THAN THEY FEAR GOD.

they go to egypt. their promise to obey God was just lipservice. they have seen God work in mighty ways. yet they still FEAR man, more than this GOD who is

the GUIDER of nations!

and they missed out on this amazing blessing that God had for them.

[sounds a lot like the tendencies in my life]
Ed Welch says "You will either fear man, or you will fear God. What you fear controls you."

but despite our failings, God is faithful.
God judges Israel, and the nations that oppress them. but he will remain faithful in his promise.
jeremiah 46:27 "but fear not, o jacob my servant, nor be dismayed o israel, for behold, i will save you from far away, and your offspring from the land of captivity."

fall as prologue

i was so excited the other day when i walked outside and the wind seemed to have a bit of an edge to it. not too much, just that slight bite that makes you put on a warm sweater or hoodie and go for walks without sweating. i love fall, i love spring-those transition seasons that find the happy medium between stifling hot and freezing cold. for some, fall is a nearing of the end of a chapter...the part of the story where the climax starts coming down and there is a foreshadowing of the ending, of the conclusion.

i don't think of fall as a conclusion.

i think of fall as a prologue. as the start of something.


its true that the trees are losing their leaves.
and crops are being harvested-indicating the ending of much labor
the calendar year is coming toward the last months

but with the coming of fall i anticipate so many things, that it cannot mean a conclusion...

the changing, dieing leaves remind me of how pain fosters growth and prepares me for what is next. it shows me the beauty of dieing to myself, of getting rid of that within me that keeps me from knowing HIM.

the harvested crops are a joy to see, but it reminds me that there is more ground ahead to plant, and that workers are few. it reminds me to prepare for the work that is in front of me...to not get caught in the mundane

the last months are those that are meaningful with friends and family-a time to reflect over the year, but even more to plan for what is coming. future decisions.

for me, the first season is fall, a time to refresh and prepare...knowing that the hard trials of winter will test me, that the joy of spring will encourage me, the drudgery of summer will remind me of my conviction, and that once again fall will come with that cool breeze to make me

pause
rest
reflect

anticipate


as i wear my favorite sweater and envelop with my rosy, cold hands a mug of hot apple cider...

i will reflect...
but i will also take what i have learned
and write a prologue for the next year
so that each volume in my life's story
will be richer, more meaningful...

and i hope most of all- that evidences of HIS grace will be increased on every page

to love

This is a great song-it reminds me, encourages me...
reminds me that to love is painful, beautiful, and worth fighting for

Ups and Downs by Kendall Payne

All that I've found through the ups and downs
Is that I'd have it no other way
Life in the raw is both fragile and strong
It's both lovely and ugly the same
Who can attest that when they're at their best
Oh their worst is still crouching close behind
It's coming to peace with the darkness in me
That allows the true light to shine inside
So let it go, for we are still far from home
Though you try and try to escape
To live and to love will always be dangerous
But it's better than playing it safe
We are composed of a symphony of notes
Every life is as music to His ears
I'll play my melody be it haunting be it sweet
Unashamed of what anyone might hear
So when the load breaks your back and your will
You must still keep your heart in the game
To live and to love will always be dangerous
But it's better than playing it safe
So let it go, when it don't feel like home
When inside is your only escape
To live and to love will always be dangerous
But would you want it any other way?

check out my Hungary trip blog!

I am going to Hungary in one week! I will be there the rest of the summer.

I have created another blog, and will be posting regular updates

check it out at

http://maryinhungary.blogspot.com

(inspired from a lecture on the theology of leisure)

right now i should be working on my paper that is due tomorrow

but instead i am updating my blog

i like blogging, and i love the amazing things that techonology can offer us
i think that there are amazing bridges and connections that God has given us throught the use of technology...

but hypocritically (sp?) as i take part in this somewhat "artifical world," i wonder how much of blogging, myspace, facebook, etc is really just an escape...at least i can see it as being that way for college students.

we are a culture and generation which not only refuses to sit still or to focus on things in our immediate situations, but is almost incapable of doing so. we want immediate satisfaction. we feel as though we are entitled to something. so instead of taking the time to sit still and study for a few hours, utterly focused, we i.m. our friends in often shallow conversations

instead of working hard for a long time on a project, we spend hours scrolling through different people's profiles
and then are required to stay up late to finish them
we are stressed and tired because we haven't used our time well

and have not worked hard
we have scraped by and sometimes spent our hours on things that don't really matter

and thus-do not have time to rest
this unrest we create for ourselves.

we create our own profiles...and lets not kid ourselves-we put our best foot forward, and create an image of who we are, letting people see what we want them to see

safely removed from them
safely longing for depth...and yet the two simply do not go hand in hand.

there is no patience. no self-control. we live as those with no hope because we are often too content-and this leads to self-pity. our abundance and easy lifestyle leaves us addicted to comfort, when something becomes hard to handle, the lie that we deserve better is ready to rise up and we are not content.

life becomes drudgery-a quiet desperation-because we have been filling ourselves with fast-food and cotten candy rather than the true substance of the Bread of Life. we can't embrace the day because we are always looking to the next thing.

to fall asleep at night exhausted because i have run well, worked hard, and accomplished what was required...
and to have that work ethic carry through so that i can rest and embrace life to the fullest-in the Fullest Sense of what Fullness means-and that Fullness only comes from Him who say "Come, all who are thirsty, Come buy bread, and wine and milk. buy without money and without cost.. Why spend money on what is not bread? and your labor on what does not satisfy? listen, listen to Me and eat what is good and your soul will delight in the richest of fare..."

okinawa

it has been almost a week since we returned from japan, and most of the team is still trying to recover from the fourteen hour time difference, travel, and keeping with school life and schedules.
if there is only one thing i am allowed to say about my experience in okinawa-

a beautiful gift...

however, i can say a lot more : )

every morning i would look outside our apartment window (located on okinawa christian school international grounds) and see the ocean nearby, just beyond the small town of yomitan. one day we walked down to the beautiful water (the china sea) combing the beach, finding hermit crabs, sea urchins

and i just stood there with rashelle
neither one of us spoke
we just stood there, face to the salty wind
silently worshipping
drinking in
not just the sight of sunset and fog barely revealing another island in the distance
but of the rhythm of the waves
the smells


the video shooting for the project went well
we interviewed some of the most adorable children on the planet
some of the most dedicated, faithful missionaries i have ever met
and tried to capture the heart, vision, and life of the school

we had the amazing privelage and challenge of leading all chapels
i borrowed a guitar
acted in some skits
and had the opportunity to share about the cost of following Jesus Christ

and as i was speaking to them i was reminded again of that cost-what it means to surrender
and that following Jesus Christ is what i was created for
and that it is in Him that i will only be satisified completely-with certain hope - unafraid

and i was reminded that my life is not my own, the path that i try so hard to lay out for myself is really in the hands of He who gives me my very breath

being in that place, learning about the war and how it forever changed and affected that island
eating traditional food, shopping in the supermakert
talking to people who have lived there their entire lives

in many ways i began to understand more about my culture, my heritage, my family...
and it was like a part of me had woken up
and i could finally completely breath, and understand
and feel

it was strange
yet familliar
painful
yet healing
hard
yet refreshing

and i cannot wait to go back again

the library

a building that i have passed so many times
on the street corner

another world

we walk up the marble steps into a lobby
on the right we explore caligraphy in the exhibit room
i recognize a variety of quotations

wiesel
van gogh
the psalms
the mishnah
an artists own words

we walk up the winding staircase
its hard wooden railing the bearer of many hands
of intellects
fellows
of many cultures
worldviews
religions

the old and the young filling their heads with knowledge of a thousand books
reducing
analyzing
discussing
creating truth

we enter the world of academia
the cartography room
the reading room
a conference room with dark green padded folding chairs
a long, deep, heavy oak conference table
the walls surrounding display oil paintings of important scholars
green reading lamps
the smells of dust
books left on the shelf

the smells of aged, seeking, deep, elite

saturday morning

saturday morning i woke up before my alarm-just laying in bend, thinking. and i don't know what triggered it, but i could almost imagine exactly what a certain place smells like, and a flood of memories would come in. thinking back to last spring break-the smell of the bahamas: suntan lotion, heat, dusty air from fans, the cool breeze by the ocean, sand, waves, the beauty of a million stars on a clear night, the hot bus, it is amazing the power of the senses-to recall, retain, and keep packed on a dusty shelf until an oppurtune time.

if i try hard, i can remember the smells of the dominican republic, of the country of turkey, of hungary and romania. the love that i have for cultures and the impact of those different countries stays with me...images from the past colliding...a mosque, a woman playing the violin on a street corner, cobblestones, turkish rug shops, banana trees, fresh squeezed grapefruit juice, bahamian children jumping into the warm ocean water, an orphanage, flights, sunshine, the call to prayer, castles, mountains, forests, prayer beads, beautiful cathedrals, homes made of tin, and to know that He is the Guider of nations, the Lord of all the nations, and one day every knee will bow!

psalm 67

back to the vineyards

every time i come home i try to take a walk in the vineyards that surround the house. i remember before leaving for college for the first time i rode my horse in the midst of those rolling vines. and i remember thinking

the next time i return to this place
i will not be the same

there was such an air of expectancy
of anticipation
of excitement knowing that running hard after God yields rich beauty and that i could not remain the same

the past few years when i have gone back to reflect on His faithfulness
goodness
wisdom
and steadfast love,
i am amazed at where he has brought me-and those vines are a reminder of remaining in Him and trusting Him

over this past Christmas i was able to take several walks through those fields
the weather was beautiful-and standing in the midst of that open space
overwhelmed at who this God is
thinking about the vinedresser-how He trims and cuts off to make us more effective
stronger
and more able to display His glory

though the rows are currently bare from cold weather-the harvest has long since gone
the gnarly vines laugh under the seeminlgly dismal cover
because they know-sometimes better than i,
that in a few months beautiful green buds will begin to sprout
and pretty soon there will be a blanket of green and purple covering the landscape
and a harvest will be brought in
sweet
rich
beautiful

will i remain the same?

i hope that i never leave that place unmoved
or return to it unchanged