israel...the "long condensed unfinished, more to come later" verision

how do i describe that which was beautiful, fear inducing, oppressive, and enticing all at the same time?
i awake in the morning with a burden on my heart...praying for the peace of that place...yes an external peace, but even more so-one that is found within.

the trip was so much more than a study tour...but how do i describe something to you that pierced the very core of my being? i feel as though a piece of me was taken and now resides there...and i don't think i will be able to shake this feeling.

walking down jerusalem streets
incense
dreadlocks
side-curls
falafel
wailing wall
call to prayer
head scarves
prayers of the faithful and the mistaken
tension
idolotrous religiosity
gold painted relics
longing for peace
hungry for Truth
empty
searching
crying
bitter
angry
skeptical because of history
tradition without reason
mountains
desert
salt sea
galilee
wilderness

journal excerpts:
i am sitting by the sea of galilee. i am surrounded by water and mountains. it is amazing to be in this place. this place would have been beautiful either way, but the significance of this place-how it was so central to Jesus' ministry...so many times Jesus and his disciples crossed over this sea. so many times Jesus showed his power and authority at this sea. the disciples driven by fear. Jesus, constantly pointing them to faith. the storms. calming the sea, walking on water, feeding the crowds with loaves and fish. i so often wonder how the disciples could still doubt after all they had seen. how crippling that doubt was. Jesus, in patience and compassion, showing them, reminding them.

this is the first place where they were really filled with great fear and awe. they began to recognize him as more than just a man who would do great things.

yet...i myself am full of doubt and selfish fear. despite what i have seen Him do in my life. i am the same as the disciples. i don't have much faith. i am skeptical. oh, Jesus, help my unbelief. You have done so much more than walk on water. carry me, because i am weak. i forget Your great power...the power of the Gospel.

Jerusalem: the center of the world...of so much conflict, tension, significance.

driving through this city. tons of people. the ultra orthadox, the average, hasidic sects...eavesdropping on bar-mitzvah plans of a family at the museum today, the call to prayer sounding over mosques, synagogues, and tourist traps. learning the history of the jewish people. seeing the fulfillments of prophecy as they return to this land.

this city, where blood and sweat, the great conversations and speeches, one of the most talked about places, tonight i walked down the streets eating mint ice cream, bartering with shop owners, drinking in the culture of a thousand cultures and of one foundational tradition.

western wall: i am at the western wall. millions of paper shoved into cracks on the wall. the wailing wall has been the point of so much contention. women kissing rock. as they sway, adding more force to their prayers, trying to be near the holy place. they wait for messiah. the long for peace...i hear the call to prayer in the distance. on the walk here, and even now i smell incense, as i walk on this jerusalem stone, walked on by so many people, trickling with blood of so many battles, the fear of so many things, of suicide bombs, of terrorists, a people returned to their land, but blind to their messiah. as weeds and roots grow out of the cracks of the dry western wall..God, please breath life back to this land...

substance

i cling to that which is dead.

my roots are not tied to rich earth
but to sun-bleached sand.

i cling to myself.
to my world.
to my expressions and fears.
i don't need HIM enough.

i try to find meaning in nothingness.
value in surface.
energy wasted.

rain falls
sand is washed away as quickly as the coming of the tide

i cling to emptiness.
i thought i was holding on to substance

deceived.

but now i am stripped of all
wallowing in the mud

and it usually takes spit and mud
before sight is restored

...YOU never stop holding me

"fear not" continued

when we fear, we live in bondage...
this photo is one in my final portfolio

Fear Not

it all started with me and two friends sitting in the lobby of the grand lux, waiting for our "party of 25" to arrive. while we waited, i read in my best scottish accent the first few chapters of the book of jeremiah. seems like a strange place to read about God disciplining Israel and the nations that oppress them, i know. [just to give you some context, my friends have to read through the entire old testament this semester, so we were getting through some chapters while we waited...not sure why i read it to them in a scottish accent...]

there is something about reading scripture out loud that makes you hear it, process it, and want to know more. the book of jeremiah would have never been my next choice to read (i just finished 1 and 2 peter), but after reading those few chapters that night, i decided that i would go there next.

Jeremiah 39-44
the context [yes, i go to mbi]
jerusalem has just fallen to the babylonians. this is something that God has been warning the people of judah about for the last few chapters. the people are taken into exile. the captain of the guard allows the poor people who own nothing to stay in the land of judah, and gives them vineyards and fields. [there is a theme throughout scripture that when israel stays in the land God promises-they are blessed, when they leave the land-often because of God's discipline-blessing leaves as well]


the conflict
jeremiah stays in judah with this remnant. the leaders of this remnant tell jeremiah that they will do whatever the Lord tells them to do. they promise to obey the Lord, no matter what.
jeremiah tells the remnant that God wants them to remain in the land. they are not to go to egypt. the Lord says that if they remain in the land, he will build them up and bless them.

the people don't want to hear it. they tell jeremiah he is lieing. they are still in

FEAR

of the babylonians. they think they will be handed over to them.

THEY DON'T OBEY BECAUSE THEY FEAR MAN MORE THAN THEY FEAR GOD.

they go to egypt. their promise to obey God was just lipservice. they have seen God work in mighty ways. yet they still FEAR man, more than this GOD who is

the GUIDER of nations!

and they missed out on this amazing blessing that God had for them.

[sounds a lot like the tendencies in my life]
Ed Welch says "You will either fear man, or you will fear God. What you fear controls you."

but despite our failings, God is faithful.
God judges Israel, and the nations that oppress them. but he will remain faithful in his promise.
jeremiah 46:27 "but fear not, o jacob my servant, nor be dismayed o israel, for behold, i will save you from far away, and your offspring from the land of captivity."

fall as prologue

i was so excited the other day when i walked outside and the wind seemed to have a bit of an edge to it. not too much, just that slight bite that makes you put on a warm sweater or hoodie and go for walks without sweating. i love fall, i love spring-those transition seasons that find the happy medium between stifling hot and freezing cold. for some, fall is a nearing of the end of a chapter...the part of the story where the climax starts coming down and there is a foreshadowing of the ending, of the conclusion.

i don't think of fall as a conclusion.

i think of fall as a prologue. as the start of something.


its true that the trees are losing their leaves.
and crops are being harvested-indicating the ending of much labor
the calendar year is coming toward the last months

but with the coming of fall i anticipate so many things, that it cannot mean a conclusion...

the changing, dieing leaves remind me of how pain fosters growth and prepares me for what is next. it shows me the beauty of dieing to myself, of getting rid of that within me that keeps me from knowing HIM.

the harvested crops are a joy to see, but it reminds me that there is more ground ahead to plant, and that workers are few. it reminds me to prepare for the work that is in front of me...to not get caught in the mundane

the last months are those that are meaningful with friends and family-a time to reflect over the year, but even more to plan for what is coming. future decisions.

for me, the first season is fall, a time to refresh and prepare...knowing that the hard trials of winter will test me, that the joy of spring will encourage me, the drudgery of summer will remind me of my conviction, and that once again fall will come with that cool breeze to make me

pause
rest
reflect

anticipate


as i wear my favorite sweater and envelop with my rosy, cold hands a mug of hot apple cider...

i will reflect...
but i will also take what i have learned
and write a prologue for the next year
so that each volume in my life's story
will be richer, more meaningful...

and i hope most of all- that evidences of HIS grace will be increased on every page

to love

This is a great song-it reminds me, encourages me...
reminds me that to love is painful, beautiful, and worth fighting for

Ups and Downs by Kendall Payne

All that I've found through the ups and downs
Is that I'd have it no other way
Life in the raw is both fragile and strong
It's both lovely and ugly the same
Who can attest that when they're at their best
Oh their worst is still crouching close behind
It's coming to peace with the darkness in me
That allows the true light to shine inside
So let it go, for we are still far from home
Though you try and try to escape
To live and to love will always be dangerous
But it's better than playing it safe
We are composed of a symphony of notes
Every life is as music to His ears
I'll play my melody be it haunting be it sweet
Unashamed of what anyone might hear
So when the load breaks your back and your will
You must still keep your heart in the game
To live and to love will always be dangerous
But it's better than playing it safe
So let it go, when it don't feel like home
When inside is your only escape
To live and to love will always be dangerous
But would you want it any other way?

check out my Hungary trip blog!

I am going to Hungary in one week! I will be there the rest of the summer.

I have created another blog, and will be posting regular updates

check it out at

http://maryinhungary.blogspot.com

(inspired from a lecture on the theology of leisure)

right now i should be working on my paper that is due tomorrow

but instead i am updating my blog

i like blogging, and i love the amazing things that techonology can offer us
i think that there are amazing bridges and connections that God has given us throught the use of technology...

but hypocritically (sp?) as i take part in this somewhat "artifical world," i wonder how much of blogging, myspace, facebook, etc is really just an escape...at least i can see it as being that way for college students.

we are a culture and generation which not only refuses to sit still or to focus on things in our immediate situations, but is almost incapable of doing so. we want immediate satisfaction. we feel as though we are entitled to something. so instead of taking the time to sit still and study for a few hours, utterly focused, we i.m. our friends in often shallow conversations

instead of working hard for a long time on a project, we spend hours scrolling through different people's profiles
and then are required to stay up late to finish them
we are stressed and tired because we haven't used our time well

and have not worked hard
we have scraped by and sometimes spent our hours on things that don't really matter

and thus-do not have time to rest
this unrest we create for ourselves.

we create our own profiles...and lets not kid ourselves-we put our best foot forward, and create an image of who we are, letting people see what we want them to see

safely removed from them
safely longing for depth...and yet the two simply do not go hand in hand.

there is no patience. no self-control. we live as those with no hope because we are often too content-and this leads to self-pity. our abundance and easy lifestyle leaves us addicted to comfort, when something becomes hard to handle, the lie that we deserve better is ready to rise up and we are not content.

life becomes drudgery-a quiet desperation-because we have been filling ourselves with fast-food and cotten candy rather than the true substance of the Bread of Life. we can't embrace the day because we are always looking to the next thing.

to fall asleep at night exhausted because i have run well, worked hard, and accomplished what was required...
and to have that work ethic carry through so that i can rest and embrace life to the fullest-in the Fullest Sense of what Fullness means-and that Fullness only comes from Him who say "Come, all who are thirsty, Come buy bread, and wine and milk. buy without money and without cost.. Why spend money on what is not bread? and your labor on what does not satisfy? listen, listen to Me and eat what is good and your soul will delight in the richest of fare..."

okinawa

it has been almost a week since we returned from japan, and most of the team is still trying to recover from the fourteen hour time difference, travel, and keeping with school life and schedules.
if there is only one thing i am allowed to say about my experience in okinawa-

a beautiful gift...

however, i can say a lot more : )

every morning i would look outside our apartment window (located on okinawa christian school international grounds) and see the ocean nearby, just beyond the small town of yomitan. one day we walked down to the beautiful water (the china sea) combing the beach, finding hermit crabs, sea urchins

and i just stood there with rashelle
neither one of us spoke
we just stood there, face to the salty wind
silently worshipping
drinking in
not just the sight of sunset and fog barely revealing another island in the distance
but of the rhythm of the waves
the smells


the video shooting for the project went well
we interviewed some of the most adorable children on the planet
some of the most dedicated, faithful missionaries i have ever met
and tried to capture the heart, vision, and life of the school

we had the amazing privelage and challenge of leading all chapels
i borrowed a guitar
acted in some skits
and had the opportunity to share about the cost of following Jesus Christ

and as i was speaking to them i was reminded again of that cost-what it means to surrender
and that following Jesus Christ is what i was created for
and that it is in Him that i will only be satisified completely-with certain hope - unafraid

and i was reminded that my life is not my own, the path that i try so hard to lay out for myself is really in the hands of He who gives me my very breath

being in that place, learning about the war and how it forever changed and affected that island
eating traditional food, shopping in the supermakert
talking to people who have lived there their entire lives

in many ways i began to understand more about my culture, my heritage, my family...
and it was like a part of me had woken up
and i could finally completely breath, and understand
and feel

it was strange
yet familliar
painful
yet healing
hard
yet refreshing

and i cannot wait to go back again

the library

a building that i have passed so many times
on the street corner

another world

we walk up the marble steps into a lobby
on the right we explore caligraphy in the exhibit room
i recognize a variety of quotations

wiesel
van gogh
the psalms
the mishnah
an artists own words

we walk up the winding staircase
its hard wooden railing the bearer of many hands
of intellects
fellows
of many cultures
worldviews
religions

the old and the young filling their heads with knowledge of a thousand books
reducing
analyzing
discussing
creating truth

we enter the world of academia
the cartography room
the reading room
a conference room with dark green padded folding chairs
a long, deep, heavy oak conference table
the walls surrounding display oil paintings of important scholars
green reading lamps
the smells of dust
books left on the shelf

the smells of aged, seeking, deep, elite

saturday morning

saturday morning i woke up before my alarm-just laying in bend, thinking. and i don't know what triggered it, but i could almost imagine exactly what a certain place smells like, and a flood of memories would come in. thinking back to last spring break-the smell of the bahamas: suntan lotion, heat, dusty air from fans, the cool breeze by the ocean, sand, waves, the beauty of a million stars on a clear night, the hot bus, it is amazing the power of the senses-to recall, retain, and keep packed on a dusty shelf until an oppurtune time.

if i try hard, i can remember the smells of the dominican republic, of the country of turkey, of hungary and romania. the love that i have for cultures and the impact of those different countries stays with me...images from the past colliding...a mosque, a woman playing the violin on a street corner, cobblestones, turkish rug shops, banana trees, fresh squeezed grapefruit juice, bahamian children jumping into the warm ocean water, an orphanage, flights, sunshine, the call to prayer, castles, mountains, forests, prayer beads, beautiful cathedrals, homes made of tin, and to know that He is the Guider of nations, the Lord of all the nations, and one day every knee will bow!

psalm 67

back to the vineyards

every time i come home i try to take a walk in the vineyards that surround the house. i remember before leaving for college for the first time i rode my horse in the midst of those rolling vines. and i remember thinking

the next time i return to this place
i will not be the same

there was such an air of expectancy
of anticipation
of excitement knowing that running hard after God yields rich beauty and that i could not remain the same

the past few years when i have gone back to reflect on His faithfulness
goodness
wisdom
and steadfast love,
i am amazed at where he has brought me-and those vines are a reminder of remaining in Him and trusting Him

over this past Christmas i was able to take several walks through those fields
the weather was beautiful-and standing in the midst of that open space
overwhelmed at who this God is
thinking about the vinedresser-how He trims and cuts off to make us more effective
stronger
and more able to display His glory

though the rows are currently bare from cold weather-the harvest has long since gone
the gnarly vines laugh under the seeminlgly dismal cover
because they know-sometimes better than i,
that in a few months beautiful green buds will begin to sprout
and pretty soon there will be a blanket of green and purple covering the landscape
and a harvest will be brought in
sweet
rich
beautiful

will i remain the same?

i hope that i never leave that place unmoved
or return to it unchanged

Aslan

written by kendall payne

Don’t stop your crying on my account
A frightening lion, no doubt
He’s not safe no, he’s not safe
Are you tempted now to run away?
The King above all kings is coming down

But he won’t say the words you wish that he would
Oh he don’t do the deeds you know that he could
He won’t think the thoughts you think that he should
But He is good, He is good.

I know you’re thirsty the water is free
But I should warn you- it’ costs everything
Well, he’s not fair no, he’s not fair
When he fixes what’s beyond repair
And graces everyone that don’t deserve

No-one knows him whom eyes never seen
No, I don’t know him but he knows me
He knows me. He knows me.

Lay down your layers, shed off your skin
But without his incision you can’t enter in
He cuts deep, yeah he cuts deep
When the risk is great and the talk is cheap
But never leaves a wounded one behind

covered

skating under the lights of the city on cool ice

laying on my back in the middle of the rink and despite the light from chicago
seeing stars straight above

tilting my head back so that i can see the skyline upside down behind me

smoke billowing out of a nearby building
wisping into the black night, disappearing into nothingness

the crunch of snow

beautiful


this morning
sitting in my room as i look out over the white covered land
reflecting on my failings
weaknesses
selfishness
pride

and despite that which distracts
or tries to stifle
and kill

to always see His marvelous grace
covering me as the snow covers the ground

...but not so temporary

my sandals are still stiff

sometimes it seems as though things are being put together

"t's" are being crossed
and an abstract idea suddenly becomes tangible
and that thing that we have been longing for
is suddenly right in front of us

and that is when the fear begins to rise

my knees begin to shake


because it was so much easier to talk about this

dream about this

pray about this

and when it seems as though something could become reality
i want to shrink back
don't want to get hurt

don't want it to fail



don't want myself to fail

and yet when we look to the ONE whose plan and purpose is unfathomable
i begin to decrease
my issues, reservations,

and on the other side my dreams and ambitions

to let all of those go
and to tie on my still stiff sandals

and break them in by following Him

fall

walking down the street
crisp, cool, fall day
pulling my jacket a little tighter around me to keep out wisps of fall air
breathing in deep
leaves changing from green to vibrant yellow
cushioning the cold sidewalk as they fall down
circling in the air as cars drive by
as i walk by

clearing my mind
stilling my heart
trusting in His promises

and yes, this is but a season
one that signifies pain

death

the coming of winter

but beauty lurks behind this facade
indeed, a beauty that goes into the very depths of the earth
and into the quiet plainness of those slowly emptying branches
as the process begins, bright colors invade the landscape

then turn to brown, falling to the earth
dry,
broken
crushed by any passerby

but rather than allow this fact to push to despair
i see behind this facade of finality
and i know that in those branches lurks a laughter
a joy

that this is not the end,
but merely a beginning
a time to reflect
to hold fast
and to prepare for the LIFE that is still there

just sleeping...
waiting...
trusting...
hoping... certainly. surely. confidently.

yesterday i went with some friends who were working on a project for class. they had to interview a diverse group of people on the street, and ask them questions relating to thier views of God, Jesus, the Church...
i brought along my video camera and tried to capture what it was that people are thinking...
the questions made many uncomfortable-one woman agreed to answer the questions, then when we asked "what is your view of God?" she simply stated "i don't want to talk about that" and brushed past us.
some stated the sunday school answer of who Jesus is
some rejected any notion of Him being more than a mere man
some seemed as though they were pondering... views with a mix of scripture, eastern religions,
monastic buddhism...
some had appeared to have never thought about any of this before

and i am challenged...challenged because this amazing place i live in is surrounded by people who have no idea who Jesus Christ truely is
i am made more aware of the diminishing of the notion of Truth
i am burdened and excited about the responsibility of proclaiming that Truth
and utterly dependent on Him to work out His purposes to advance His kingdom of which i have the privelage to play a part...

acts 4
the priests, captain of the temple, sadducees...they realize that this "Jesus thing" hasn't blown over as they had hoped. crucifying a man should have taken care of that, right? now, greatly annoyed that Jesus is still being proclaimed as rising from the dead, and also that a lame man has been undeniably healed, they arrest peter and john...5,000 people believe. the two apostles are questioned "by what power did you do this?"
peter and john are RELENTLESS in thier proclamation of Truth. peter speaks up, the one who had once denied Christ near the same ground, filled with the Holy Spirit, proclaims that the man was healed by the name of JESUS CHRIST...

talk about boldness

that which the rulers had tried to stifle
is spreading like wildfire/out of control
peter continutes.."there is salvation in NO ONE ELSE"
the rulers saw thier boldness, and were astonished that these common, uneducated men were speaking with such boldness, clarity, authority...

they recognized that the apostles had been with Jesus...and commanded them to not speak this to anyone
thier response?

WE CANNOT HELP BUT SPEAK OF WHAT WE HAVE SEEN AND HEARD.

2:44 am

it is early, early in the morning...and i am still awake
and expect to be for the next hour or so
why? you may ask...
well...i am working on a project
up in an editing suite
and i'm in the "zone"
so rather than go to bed and finish it later
i have decided to pretty much get it done tonight
i'm pretty excited about it
but am not making much rational sense
so hopefully it will turn out
no one really ever reads my blog...so i can write at 2 in the morning
and not very many will read
i haven't had contact with another human being in a few hours...
thank you krystle, hannah, and bethany for keeping me company for a little bit
tomorrow i told my floor i would make pancakes..
i don't have any pancake mix

maybe i can get some in the morning...
i turned 21 yesterday (actually-now that it is the 2nd, 2 days ago)
i didn't feel older yesterday
but i feel older today

the reason i am writing in my blog is because i am waiting for my files to render..
basically another copy of the file is made and filed away somewhere on my computer...
so..i have about 23 minutes left before i can do anything else
i'm getting kind of sleepy

i don't even know if i will actually post this, or if i am just bored...should have brought some homework.

maybe i can figure out how to compress my project when i'm done and then post it on this blog so people can see it...
that would be pretty cool....
you can check out some cool projects that moody students have done on archtvonline.com
i don't have anything up there yet, but i hopefully will this semester
i am taking a video editing class and single camera production
yay...
i am also taking systematic theology II which i love
and oral interpretation
and trying to finish my philosophy course (never do an independent study unless you are very self-motivated) before november...

17 minutes...
hmmm
i probably should have waited to do this a different day. i would call someone, but no one is awake...
it is a little creepy up here in this building...cause no one else is here...but i have a cell phone...
thankfully we have a long week-end..so i plan on sleeping tomorrow, getting ahead on homework...
some friends are taking me out for my birthday
pretty excited
16 minutes
if you are actually reading this entire blog...you should post a comment
who knows...
maybe you are editing a video project as well
waiting for it to render
Note to self:
(so this doesn't happen again...and by "this" i mean being alone in an empty building at 3 am waiting for your project to render..with nothing to do)

always bring a friend
always bring food
bring a pillow just in case you get tired
bring homework or reading or something
bring a sweatshirt or blanket (it is a little chilly)
coffee is also a good thing
set limits on amount of time in editing suite...there are no windows...if it weren't for the clock on the computer monitor, i could have been here for days and not even known...

2 minutes...nope, just kidding...it said 2 minutes and then went back up to 3 minutes
my stomach is growling

maybe i should have eaten that brownie bethany brought me
to late now...krsytle...

i went with some friends to my fav coffee shop earlier to work on brainstorming for a different video project...it was quite fun

this is sad when typing on a blog can be one's source of companionship
i really feel better.

still 3 minutes...the longest 3 minutes EVER
3 minutes later...still 3 minutes...

well-i don't have anything important to say...sorry for the shallow/rambling post

good morning

a street i drove down almost every day...63rd and King Dr.

home sweet home

it is amazing how something that was once so intimidating
overwhelming
BIG
has become something
comforting
home
small

a beautiful city

driving here a few weeks ago (wow, has it been that long already?)
i could barely contain my excitement in returning back to this place
this school
these people

looking back over the past several years
i am amazed
how HE has brought me from fear to faith
to take a leap, jump into something seemingly impossible for where i was

and yet HE has brought me to a place where what was seemingly impossible
is the only thing possible

i amazed that HE can take such brokenness
such insecurity
such fear
and make something beautiful

what once dwelled in dark despair
bondage
a prison cell
has been redeemed
into the bright rays of the morning sun

to be able to share in this great story
is a joy and thrill that i hope i never loose sight of
as i stand on the bright light of day
exposed
my selfishness
my pride

still loved...

i hope i will
have to walk barefoot because of my worn out shoes
i hope i will wear no coat because i have given away two
that both sides of my face will bear scars of abuse
that i will have washed the feet of the wealthy, the poor, and everyone inbetween
that my hands will be calloused, my fingernails dirty, my muscles sore
my heart full of perfect Love
a strength from above
that my first thought would be for others, and not myself

brokenness

that my life would be spent on that which is worthy

that i would continue to go wherever HE says
no matter what
no matter when
no matter how

no matter the impossibilities...