50 years ago african americans had separate drinking fountains and the back seat in the bus.

this week an african american man became president of the united states.

no matter who i voted for
or who you voted for
or what your stance is

that is pretty awesome.

watch this. don't forget.

i do not have faith in humanity. i have even less faith in politicians.

this isn't about who i think people should or should not vote for. this is about what i think our perspective needs to be when looking at politics. [this is not about my view of obama. this is about how i have seen people view obama (esp. in chicago)].

watch this video

i am ready for this election to be over. i realize that this video was not made by obama or his campaign. but i think it is very telling of the perspective of the masses in america.

first of all:
i get the impression that people are feeling oppressed.
they want change.
they want a "savior" from something.

so what is it that they are looking for salvation from?
yes. there are of course areas where the government and the way that it is run can be changed. there are major flaws. corruption. waste. i have spent time in the urban poor and rural poor communities. i am not saying everything is as it should be. far from it.

but i have also spent time in places where there is no water.
no electricity. no educational opportunities at all. i have sat in an understaffed orphanage, pulled a rusty thumbtack out of a little girl's mouth, and wondered if i was the only person to hold her...really hold her...that day.
there are other places i have not been, where children are brainwashed to be soldiers to survive.
there are places where women are forced by their families into prostitution to appease the gods.
where there is no food.
where governments kill those who do not hold to a certain religion.
where children scrounge in the garbage dump every day, not just some of the children, but all of the children in the entire community.
places where candidates do not care one bit to serve their people...and they don't even try or pretend to care.

i am tired of americans acting as if we have no rights, as if we have no opportunities, as if we are "hopeless."

why can't we just have a normal election?

secondly:

i believe that we are constantly aching for eternity. for that ideal world. for perfection. and that will not be achieved by any politician, nor by any government.
we want to ascribe hope to the tangible. to that which is immediate.
but this world is tainted. it is fallen. humanity cannot fully redeem it.
and while we struggle and work to "make this world a better place" let us not get caught up in the lie that we will be fulfilled this side of eternity.
i voted. i have my opinions. but i am not afraid if "the other guy" wins. to be honest, i won't even be that upset. because my hope is not in the person that i cast my ballot for.

perspective.

feed the birds.

she does exist.
i saw her a couple of days ago at the park.
but she wasn't what i expected.
black jacket with red accents.
black skirt. stockings.
clean polished shoes.
classy.
refined.
eccentric.
knitted tan beret on her well-kept short gray hair.
red flowers on her hat.
perfectly matched.
white fluffy dog.
red leash.
a bag of bread she pulled out of her purse.
and i watched as she went up to a tree with an unusual low hanging branch.
a branch with shelves.
a branch that knows her well, that has maybe known her for years and years.
and she broke of chunks of bread while her little dog watched, carefully and deliberately placed the bread on the crevices of the overhanging branch and said sweetly:

"dinnertime."

a few more pieces of bread.

"dinnertime!"

and first a few, then several small and kind birds flew to the branch from the surrounding trees where I am sure they often come to wait for their supper.

trees and chaff

darkness. it seems so suffocating. impossible to penetrate with light, let alone destroy it. it is so rooted in everything...strangling and entwining so many things, even the beautiful are tainted.

even the good most often comes with the bad.
and it is unbreakable.
and goodness seems to be the one under water
frantically kicking, scrambling, gasping for breath
about to be engulfed and killed by evil.

and i believe this lie.

because i have put permanence on the temporary
and given weight to the opacity of now

"for the wicked are like chaff" will blow away
the deeds of darkness unsustainable
unremembered
in the white hot light of Goodness, of Truth, of Judgment and Grace

the righteous trees are planted by the River of Life
roots immersed in rich, cool water
true substance. fruitful.

and through this eternal lens i am reminded that while even the smallest light can extinguish and disrupt a world of dark,
the greatest darkness can never extinguish even a spark.

3 days. 40 hours of driving. So worth it.

myself and three friends piled into a crv at 3 am friday morning. our destination: houston, tx. we started out strong, with a slight detour into duncan donuts to grab some coffee. after some inquisitive looks from the workers, and equipped with coffee and muffin in hand, we started out strong again.

things i learned on the way down.
1. there is absolutely nothing in oklahoma
2. i need to update my music collection. (i was the only one who brought music, and since i haven't bought anything in years and years we were forced to listen to music that was popular 10 years ago. however, the blast from the past kept the morale up).
3. gas is way cheaper in the middle of nowhere where stations are few and far between. gas is more expensive in the big cities where there are stations everywhere...does this seem backwards?
4. always road trip with cool people (which we did) our trip was full of silliness and depthful conversations.
5. beware of pranks your friends may pull on you when you are in the gas station bathroom. (they put a life size cardboard cut out of a nascar man right outside the door).
the wedding was in houston on saturday, so on friday we stopped in dallas for the night. my friend's friend's parents live there in an awesome house (we had our own showers in our rooms, and they fed us wonderful food). also, we were spoiled by being able to use their hot tub and pool after a long day of driving.
we awoke the next morning, and another friend met up with us in dallas to ride with us to houston

4 hours later
we quickly change into our dresses, and watch beautiful loren get married.
unfortunately, we got the giggle in the middle of the vows, but were able to keep it together until the end of the ceremony.
the wedding was beautiful and tasteful, and it was strange to see so many moodies there so far away from chicago.

we got back to dallas at 4 am on sunday (barely awake, near car accident with a drunk driver) and left at 10 am to get back to chicago.

things i learned on the way back
1. what the restaurant "sonic" is. i had never heard of it. am i the only one?
2. it is fun to listen to celtic music at sunset
3. you can reprank your friends with the same prank they did to you at the same gas station bathroom.
4. you cannot purchase life size card board cut outs of nascar drivers at gas stations. (i asked if we could buy it, unfortunately there will be an auction that we will miss...nascar man will go to the highest bidder...sad i won't be there).
5. i spent less than $100 to go to texas for the week-end with some of my favorite people in the world.

deeply

it is impossible to believe how quickly this summer has gone by...
and now-as fall approaches-the usual associations keep drifting into my mind
my favorite season
of new beginnings
but this time around-it will be different.
no longer is my life scheduled by classes, no need to buy a brand new package of my favorite note-taking pens, notebooks, syllabuses

moving into my dorm, buying text books
replaced by the job search
paying off debt
reading whatever book i want in the local coffee shop
waiting for...?

a time of transition?

life is transition

so-i strive to

live the life that unfolds before me
to love goodness more than i fear evil

to breath deeply
drink deeply
hurt deeply
love deeply

to follow Him closely

to keep playing my guitar for strangers
to have conversations of Truth in the local bar or coffee shop
constantly aware

always searching
finding
struggling
seeking

worshiping.

a random glimpse of random things

i wake up in the morning in my apartment on bosworth,
sunlight through the big tree outside creates dancing patterns that
take over the old wood floor, gently waking me from sleep as it spills onto my face
the sounds of the city are muffled on this side street

i stumble around unpacked boxes, find the coffee
as it brews i breathe in deeply
journal, pen, Bible on lap-reminded of the power of the gospel
i am older, but still so young...so much to learn
facing the world in new light-having learned so much
living in light of what i've learned

i pick up the red-eye on my way to work
waiting for the el
working on the crossword puzzle with 10 others in my same car
i transfer from the brown line to the red line
commuter
i feel i have entered this adult world of working and coffee and newspapers

but i feel more imaginative than ever
and i still can't help walking down the streets
past old chicago houses
stone lion statues at the front doors
and imagining that they will come to life at any moment and walk down the sidewalk with me

or that the black squirrel outside my window in the tree might at any moment start speaking to me
and i never want to stop absorbing
or drinking in
or remembering

i store memories like dandelion wine in the cellar
finding beauty in the mundane
and adventure in the drudgery

...i babysit for a family in the city-last time i watched the kids they locked me in the (playground tower) until i told them were the treasure was. i told them i wouldn't tell them until they brought me the purple flower from the highest mountain (around the side of the house)
they brought it back-demanding i tell them where the treasure is.
i told them i tricked them-and that the flower gave me magical powers that made me fly...
but then i told them the treasure would be waiting for them in the kitchen...b/c the doorbell rang and the pad-thai had arrived.

israel...the "long condensed unfinished, more to come later" verision

how do i describe that which was beautiful, fear inducing, oppressive, and enticing all at the same time?
i awake in the morning with a burden on my heart...praying for the peace of that place...yes an external peace, but even more so-one that is found within.

the trip was so much more than a study tour...but how do i describe something to you that pierced the very core of my being? i feel as though a piece of me was taken and now resides there...and i don't think i will be able to shake this feeling.

walking down jerusalem streets
incense
dreadlocks
side-curls
falafel
wailing wall
call to prayer
head scarves
prayers of the faithful and the mistaken
tension
idolotrous religiosity
gold painted relics
longing for peace
hungry for Truth
empty
searching
crying
bitter
angry
skeptical because of history
tradition without reason
mountains
desert
salt sea
galilee
wilderness

journal excerpts:
i am sitting by the sea of galilee. i am surrounded by water and mountains. it is amazing to be in this place. this place would have been beautiful either way, but the significance of this place-how it was so central to Jesus' ministry...so many times Jesus and his disciples crossed over this sea. so many times Jesus showed his power and authority at this sea. the disciples driven by fear. Jesus, constantly pointing them to faith. the storms. calming the sea, walking on water, feeding the crowds with loaves and fish. i so often wonder how the disciples could still doubt after all they had seen. how crippling that doubt was. Jesus, in patience and compassion, showing them, reminding them.

this is the first place where they were really filled with great fear and awe. they began to recognize him as more than just a man who would do great things.

yet...i myself am full of doubt and selfish fear. despite what i have seen Him do in my life. i am the same as the disciples. i don't have much faith. i am skeptical. oh, Jesus, help my unbelief. You have done so much more than walk on water. carry me, because i am weak. i forget Your great power...the power of the Gospel.

Jerusalem: the center of the world...of so much conflict, tension, significance.

driving through this city. tons of people. the ultra orthadox, the average, hasidic sects...eavesdropping on bar-mitzvah plans of a family at the museum today, the call to prayer sounding over mosques, synagogues, and tourist traps. learning the history of the jewish people. seeing the fulfillments of prophecy as they return to this land.

this city, where blood and sweat, the great conversations and speeches, one of the most talked about places, tonight i walked down the streets eating mint ice cream, bartering with shop owners, drinking in the culture of a thousand cultures and of one foundational tradition.

western wall: i am at the western wall. millions of paper shoved into cracks on the wall. the wailing wall has been the point of so much contention. women kissing rock. as they sway, adding more force to their prayers, trying to be near the holy place. they wait for messiah. the long for peace...i hear the call to prayer in the distance. on the walk here, and even now i smell incense, as i walk on this jerusalem stone, walked on by so many people, trickling with blood of so many battles, the fear of so many things, of suicide bombs, of terrorists, a people returned to their land, but blind to their messiah. as weeds and roots grow out of the cracks of the dry western wall..God, please breath life back to this land...

substance

i cling to that which is dead.

my roots are not tied to rich earth
but to sun-bleached sand.

i cling to myself.
to my world.
to my expressions and fears.
i don't need HIM enough.

i try to find meaning in nothingness.
value in surface.
energy wasted.

rain falls
sand is washed away as quickly as the coming of the tide

i cling to emptiness.
i thought i was holding on to substance

deceived.

but now i am stripped of all
wallowing in the mud

and it usually takes spit and mud
before sight is restored

...YOU never stop holding me

"fear not" continued

when we fear, we live in bondage...
this photo is one in my final portfolio

Fear Not

it all started with me and two friends sitting in the lobby of the grand lux, waiting for our "party of 25" to arrive. while we waited, i read in my best scottish accent the first few chapters of the book of jeremiah. seems like a strange place to read about God disciplining Israel and the nations that oppress them, i know. [just to give you some context, my friends have to read through the entire old testament this semester, so we were getting through some chapters while we waited...not sure why i read it to them in a scottish accent...]

there is something about reading scripture out loud that makes you hear it, process it, and want to know more. the book of jeremiah would have never been my next choice to read (i just finished 1 and 2 peter), but after reading those few chapters that night, i decided that i would go there next.

Jeremiah 39-44
the context [yes, i go to mbi]
jerusalem has just fallen to the babylonians. this is something that God has been warning the people of judah about for the last few chapters. the people are taken into exile. the captain of the guard allows the poor people who own nothing to stay in the land of judah, and gives them vineyards and fields. [there is a theme throughout scripture that when israel stays in the land God promises-they are blessed, when they leave the land-often because of God's discipline-blessing leaves as well]


the conflict
jeremiah stays in judah with this remnant. the leaders of this remnant tell jeremiah that they will do whatever the Lord tells them to do. they promise to obey the Lord, no matter what.
jeremiah tells the remnant that God wants them to remain in the land. they are not to go to egypt. the Lord says that if they remain in the land, he will build them up and bless them.

the people don't want to hear it. they tell jeremiah he is lieing. they are still in

FEAR

of the babylonians. they think they will be handed over to them.

THEY DON'T OBEY BECAUSE THEY FEAR MAN MORE THAN THEY FEAR GOD.

they go to egypt. their promise to obey God was just lipservice. they have seen God work in mighty ways. yet they still FEAR man, more than this GOD who is

the GUIDER of nations!

and they missed out on this amazing blessing that God had for them.

[sounds a lot like the tendencies in my life]
Ed Welch says "You will either fear man, or you will fear God. What you fear controls you."

but despite our failings, God is faithful.
God judges Israel, and the nations that oppress them. but he will remain faithful in his promise.
jeremiah 46:27 "but fear not, o jacob my servant, nor be dismayed o israel, for behold, i will save you from far away, and your offspring from the land of captivity."

fall as prologue

i was so excited the other day when i walked outside and the wind seemed to have a bit of an edge to it. not too much, just that slight bite that makes you put on a warm sweater or hoodie and go for walks without sweating. i love fall, i love spring-those transition seasons that find the happy medium between stifling hot and freezing cold. for some, fall is a nearing of the end of a chapter...the part of the story where the climax starts coming down and there is a foreshadowing of the ending, of the conclusion.

i don't think of fall as a conclusion.

i think of fall as a prologue. as the start of something.


its true that the trees are losing their leaves.
and crops are being harvested-indicating the ending of much labor
the calendar year is coming toward the last months

but with the coming of fall i anticipate so many things, that it cannot mean a conclusion...

the changing, dieing leaves remind me of how pain fosters growth and prepares me for what is next. it shows me the beauty of dieing to myself, of getting rid of that within me that keeps me from knowing HIM.

the harvested crops are a joy to see, but it reminds me that there is more ground ahead to plant, and that workers are few. it reminds me to prepare for the work that is in front of me...to not get caught in the mundane

the last months are those that are meaningful with friends and family-a time to reflect over the year, but even more to plan for what is coming. future decisions.

for me, the first season is fall, a time to refresh and prepare...knowing that the hard trials of winter will test me, that the joy of spring will encourage me, the drudgery of summer will remind me of my conviction, and that once again fall will come with that cool breeze to make me

pause
rest
reflect

anticipate


as i wear my favorite sweater and envelop with my rosy, cold hands a mug of hot apple cider...

i will reflect...
but i will also take what i have learned
and write a prologue for the next year
so that each volume in my life's story
will be richer, more meaningful...

and i hope most of all- that evidences of HIS grace will be increased on every page

to love

This is a great song-it reminds me, encourages me...
reminds me that to love is painful, beautiful, and worth fighting for

Ups and Downs by Kendall Payne

All that I've found through the ups and downs
Is that I'd have it no other way
Life in the raw is both fragile and strong
It's both lovely and ugly the same
Who can attest that when they're at their best
Oh their worst is still crouching close behind
It's coming to peace with the darkness in me
That allows the true light to shine inside
So let it go, for we are still far from home
Though you try and try to escape
To live and to love will always be dangerous
But it's better than playing it safe
We are composed of a symphony of notes
Every life is as music to His ears
I'll play my melody be it haunting be it sweet
Unashamed of what anyone might hear
So when the load breaks your back and your will
You must still keep your heart in the game
To live and to love will always be dangerous
But it's better than playing it safe
So let it go, when it don't feel like home
When inside is your only escape
To live and to love will always be dangerous
But would you want it any other way?

check out my Hungary trip blog!

I am going to Hungary in one week! I will be there the rest of the summer.

I have created another blog, and will be posting regular updates

check it out at

http://maryinhungary.blogspot.com

(inspired from a lecture on the theology of leisure)

right now i should be working on my paper that is due tomorrow

but instead i am updating my blog

i like blogging, and i love the amazing things that techonology can offer us
i think that there are amazing bridges and connections that God has given us throught the use of technology...

but hypocritically (sp?) as i take part in this somewhat "artifical world," i wonder how much of blogging, myspace, facebook, etc is really just an escape...at least i can see it as being that way for college students.

we are a culture and generation which not only refuses to sit still or to focus on things in our immediate situations, but is almost incapable of doing so. we want immediate satisfaction. we feel as though we are entitled to something. so instead of taking the time to sit still and study for a few hours, utterly focused, we i.m. our friends in often shallow conversations

instead of working hard for a long time on a project, we spend hours scrolling through different people's profiles
and then are required to stay up late to finish them
we are stressed and tired because we haven't used our time well

and have not worked hard
we have scraped by and sometimes spent our hours on things that don't really matter

and thus-do not have time to rest
this unrest we create for ourselves.

we create our own profiles...and lets not kid ourselves-we put our best foot forward, and create an image of who we are, letting people see what we want them to see

safely removed from them
safely longing for depth...and yet the two simply do not go hand in hand.

there is no patience. no self-control. we live as those with no hope because we are often too content-and this leads to self-pity. our abundance and easy lifestyle leaves us addicted to comfort, when something becomes hard to handle, the lie that we deserve better is ready to rise up and we are not content.

life becomes drudgery-a quiet desperation-because we have been filling ourselves with fast-food and cotten candy rather than the true substance of the Bread of Life. we can't embrace the day because we are always looking to the next thing.

to fall asleep at night exhausted because i have run well, worked hard, and accomplished what was required...
and to have that work ethic carry through so that i can rest and embrace life to the fullest-in the Fullest Sense of what Fullness means-and that Fullness only comes from Him who say "Come, all who are thirsty, Come buy bread, and wine and milk. buy without money and without cost.. Why spend money on what is not bread? and your labor on what does not satisfy? listen, listen to Me and eat what is good and your soul will delight in the richest of fare..."

okinawa

it has been almost a week since we returned from japan, and most of the team is still trying to recover from the fourteen hour time difference, travel, and keeping with school life and schedules.
if there is only one thing i am allowed to say about my experience in okinawa-

a beautiful gift...

however, i can say a lot more : )

every morning i would look outside our apartment window (located on okinawa christian school international grounds) and see the ocean nearby, just beyond the small town of yomitan. one day we walked down to the beautiful water (the china sea) combing the beach, finding hermit crabs, sea urchins

and i just stood there with rashelle
neither one of us spoke
we just stood there, face to the salty wind
silently worshipping
drinking in
not just the sight of sunset and fog barely revealing another island in the distance
but of the rhythm of the waves
the smells


the video shooting for the project went well
we interviewed some of the most adorable children on the planet
some of the most dedicated, faithful missionaries i have ever met
and tried to capture the heart, vision, and life of the school

we had the amazing privelage and challenge of leading all chapels
i borrowed a guitar
acted in some skits
and had the opportunity to share about the cost of following Jesus Christ

and as i was speaking to them i was reminded again of that cost-what it means to surrender
and that following Jesus Christ is what i was created for
and that it is in Him that i will only be satisified completely-with certain hope - unafraid

and i was reminded that my life is not my own, the path that i try so hard to lay out for myself is really in the hands of He who gives me my very breath

being in that place, learning about the war and how it forever changed and affected that island
eating traditional food, shopping in the supermakert
talking to people who have lived there their entire lives

in many ways i began to understand more about my culture, my heritage, my family...
and it was like a part of me had woken up
and i could finally completely breath, and understand
and feel

it was strange
yet familliar
painful
yet healing
hard
yet refreshing

and i cannot wait to go back again

the library

a building that i have passed so many times
on the street corner

another world

we walk up the marble steps into a lobby
on the right we explore caligraphy in the exhibit room
i recognize a variety of quotations

wiesel
van gogh
the psalms
the mishnah
an artists own words

we walk up the winding staircase
its hard wooden railing the bearer of many hands
of intellects
fellows
of many cultures
worldviews
religions

the old and the young filling their heads with knowledge of a thousand books
reducing
analyzing
discussing
creating truth

we enter the world of academia
the cartography room
the reading room
a conference room with dark green padded folding chairs
a long, deep, heavy oak conference table
the walls surrounding display oil paintings of important scholars
green reading lamps
the smells of dust
books left on the shelf

the smells of aged, seeking, deep, elite

saturday morning

saturday morning i woke up before my alarm-just laying in bend, thinking. and i don't know what triggered it, but i could almost imagine exactly what a certain place smells like, and a flood of memories would come in. thinking back to last spring break-the smell of the bahamas: suntan lotion, heat, dusty air from fans, the cool breeze by the ocean, sand, waves, the beauty of a million stars on a clear night, the hot bus, it is amazing the power of the senses-to recall, retain, and keep packed on a dusty shelf until an oppurtune time.

if i try hard, i can remember the smells of the dominican republic, of the country of turkey, of hungary and romania. the love that i have for cultures and the impact of those different countries stays with me...images from the past colliding...a mosque, a woman playing the violin on a street corner, cobblestones, turkish rug shops, banana trees, fresh squeezed grapefruit juice, bahamian children jumping into the warm ocean water, an orphanage, flights, sunshine, the call to prayer, castles, mountains, forests, prayer beads, beautiful cathedrals, homes made of tin, and to know that He is the Guider of nations, the Lord of all the nations, and one day every knee will bow!

psalm 67

back to the vineyards

every time i come home i try to take a walk in the vineyards that surround the house. i remember before leaving for college for the first time i rode my horse in the midst of those rolling vines. and i remember thinking

the next time i return to this place
i will not be the same

there was such an air of expectancy
of anticipation
of excitement knowing that running hard after God yields rich beauty and that i could not remain the same

the past few years when i have gone back to reflect on His faithfulness
goodness
wisdom
and steadfast love,
i am amazed at where he has brought me-and those vines are a reminder of remaining in Him and trusting Him

over this past Christmas i was able to take several walks through those fields
the weather was beautiful-and standing in the midst of that open space
overwhelmed at who this God is
thinking about the vinedresser-how He trims and cuts off to make us more effective
stronger
and more able to display His glory

though the rows are currently bare from cold weather-the harvest has long since gone
the gnarly vines laugh under the seeminlgly dismal cover
because they know-sometimes better than i,
that in a few months beautiful green buds will begin to sprout
and pretty soon there will be a blanket of green and purple covering the landscape
and a harvest will be brought in
sweet
rich
beautiful

will i remain the same?

i hope that i never leave that place unmoved
or return to it unchanged

Aslan

written by kendall payne

Don’t stop your crying on my account
A frightening lion, no doubt
He’s not safe no, he’s not safe
Are you tempted now to run away?
The King above all kings is coming down

But he won’t say the words you wish that he would
Oh he don’t do the deeds you know that he could
He won’t think the thoughts you think that he should
But He is good, He is good.

I know you’re thirsty the water is free
But I should warn you- it’ costs everything
Well, he’s not fair no, he’s not fair
When he fixes what’s beyond repair
And graces everyone that don’t deserve

No-one knows him whom eyes never seen
No, I don’t know him but he knows me
He knows me. He knows me.

Lay down your layers, shed off your skin
But without his incision you can’t enter in
He cuts deep, yeah he cuts deep
When the risk is great and the talk is cheap
But never leaves a wounded one behind